Last updated on January 31, 2025
It is December 9th, which means it is officially my birthday. Every single year, this is my most anticipated day, and every single year, I am disappointed. In fact, disappointment is an understatement. I am dissatisfied. Crying is optional and recommended. At the end of the day; it’s my party, and I’ll cry if I want to.
While reading, listen to: “It’s My Party” – Lesley Gore
When winter starts and the first snowflake falls, you know it’s time for my birthday. And if you don’t know, I will be sure to remind you. The month leading up to December 9th is very stressful for my family and friends because I start worrying about where to celebrate and who to invite. Every single year, it is a huge deal. So here is what I do to celebrate: I cry. I haven’t not cried on my birthday for many years, and today on my 21st, I began to wonder why. Why do we get this dreadful feeling in the pit of our stomachs on our birthdays? Can we stop pitying ourselves and just start enjoying it for once? Let’s see.
The day began very casually. I woke up, went to class, and had lunch. I did not think about the fact that it was my birthday. My friend surprised me with a cake, and I blew the candle. It was all fine—no tears, no pity party—up until 8 p.m. when we were getting ready to go out to the bar (which I had carefully picked). My makeup wasn’t right, my outfit wasn’t working and my hair was all over the place. Suddenly, I just felt like curling up and crying. Where the hell was that feeling coming from? Why did it happen every single year on the same day like an alarm clock?
This year, I resisted the self-pity session and decided to film a video to calm and distract myself. I went straight to Google and typed Billie Eilish Vanity Fair questions. I clicked on the first link, set up my camera, and hit record.
Question 1: What advice would you give yourself a year from now?
Starting off strong. I know the answer to this, but it won’t make much sense without context. Here it is anyway: Don’t feel sad because that friend is not a part of your life anymore. They were doing more harm than good, and sometimes letting go is the brave thing. When you don’t feel brave enough to let someone go, just know that you will meet new people every single day if you put the effort in, and you do not need anyone. The world keeps spinning and the sun keeps shining without them.
Question 2: What advice would you give yourself a year ago?
Don’t be scared to disappoint your parents. Sometimes avoiding disappointment means missing out on the joy of life. Although they gave life to you, you do not owe them your life. Disappoint them and get that piercing. They will forgive you. (I did get the piercing by the way. It looks great and they forgave me.)
Question 3: What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned?
I learned how to run my own blog, and it has been fun so far. I also learned that traveling alone is more fun than they know, and backpacking across Europe as a solo traveler was the best thing I could ever do for myself.
Question 4: Do you feel pressure?
Tremendously. I know that university is fleeting very fast, and I know I have limited time to make the most of the sources here. I am already in my 3rd year, and I feel like I just started yesterday. I have to create a network, study, and socialize; all at the same time.
Question 5: Who is your favorite artist at the moment?
Noah Kahan. Go listen to “Godlight” and you will know why.
Question 6: What’s the biggest thing you’re currently struggling with?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to learn German? I do. And whenever I start to feel a bit confident about it, I hear a German dialogue and I feel like one of the random Hogwarts students listening to Harry talk to a snake. It all makes no Goddamn sense.
Question 7: Is there anything that annoys you now that didn’t a year ago?
When my friends have time for everybody else but me. Oh, and learning German.
Question 8: Are you more confident this year compared to last year?
Oh yeah, definitely. Some might even say I’ve gotten cocky.
Question 9: Craziest fan gift you’ve received recently?
Oops, wrong question. This one was meant for Billie Eilish and not me. Me and my little blog aren’t getting that big anytime soon.
Question 10: What do you want to say to yourself in a year?
Okay, here’s the hardest one. To be honest, I have no idea where or with who I will be next year on my birthday, but one thing is certain; I will be infinitely better than the person I am today. I learn and grow every single day, and I will never be ashamed of the decisions I make along the way. I may embarrass myself and maybe make mistakes, but at the end of the day; I’ve got me. I’ll be okay. Always. So here’s what I’d say: Don’t worry about me and the past. You can’t go back, so just live in the moment and learn to let go. Also, please stop crying on your birthday.
Even after answering all of these questions to distract myself, I was still right where I had started. I still wanted to cry. So do you know what I did? I held it together. I mentally slapped myself across the face and told myself that it was never that serious. Nostalgia is the enemy and I couldn’t let it get to me. I don’t have another 21st birthday in my lifetime, and damn if I don’t make the best of it. I guess sometimes we just have to grow up and get it together. Because although it feels like birthdays are sad times, they are quite literally the opposite. They are proof that you lived another year, met new people, maybe even fell in love, and got your heart broken. After all of that, you still survived. You are alive, and this life is all you ever get. One chance. Don’t spend it sulking. Go out and celebrate your birthday. Drink a Cosmo for me. Make a wish. Blow out the candles. Thank God (or the Universe, or whatever it is you believe in) for another year where you can correct the mistakes of your past. Live your life and never look back. Because life doesn’t look back at you. If you slow down, you might get dropped out of the race.
Oh, and if you still feel like a good cry will make you feel better, who am I to stop you? It’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to.
With love,
Lara