Last updated on December 8, 2024
Why is it that when daughters start to become their own person and separate from the image that their mothers had of them, fights seem to emerge? Do mothers always know best? Are daughters always wise? Most importantly; can you become your own person without hurting your mother?
A mother-daughter relationship is always complicated. Therapists always suggest mothers befriend their daughters. But more often than not, the mother and daughter are two people who would not get along in school if they were the same age. Imagine meeting your mother in high school as your peer… Would you like her? Would she like you? I use the word “like” very carefully here because even now, your mother might love you while simultaneously not liking you. She may build her entire life around you, but she might still not like who you are as a person. She’ll take a bullet for you but she will not applaud you for getting a 100 on that Math test. How can she be your friend, when she doesn’t even like you?
The main thing is this: our mothers give birth to us. The process of creating life is very divine and captivating. You were just a couple of cells once, then love brought those cells together, and you began to grow a body inside another body. It’s kind of creepy if you think about it this way: she formed you. So I think it is natural for her to see you as an extension of her when you were a baby. Before you could walk, feed yourself, speak.
So what happens when you start talking? Does she simply let that go?
Some mothers do, and some mothers don’t. Those who do end up with healthier relationships with their daughters. But those who don’t… Well, they basically hold onto this idea that you should act as she would, speak as she would, and do everything as she would. But surprise: you slowly grow up and start to form your own beliefs. Her expectations and your personality don’t match, and you are now the enemy. She will still take that bullet for you, but she won’t stop yelling until you are bawling. She now loves you but does not like you. Congratulations, you grew up. Good luck resolving the conflicts.
I like to call this the Gilmore Girls Curse. Lorelai resents Emily for not respecting her decisions. Has a daughter. Seventeen years later, said daughter Rory has a fight with her for not respecting her decisions. Can you ever escape this? If yes, how? Well, you can start by accepting that your mother is not perfect. We’ve heard the saying “Mother knows best” maybe thousands of times, but I don’t believe that is always the case. We need to learn that we are human beings, and so are our mothers. Sometimes they might make mistakes or insist on the wrong thing. When this happens, we need to learn to listen to the person who knows us best: ourselves. When do you obey a parent? When you are not capable of making a decision yourself. But if you are sure of yourself, hold onto that and never let go. Whether that be your mother, your father, or your friend; never doubt that you can protect yourself. Make your own choices. And yes, you might make mistakes from time to time or fuck up very badly, but at least it will be your mistake to learn from and not your mother’s opinion to resent.
Beneath all the fighting and the disagreements; there is love. Unconditional and undoubtedly powerful love. Your mother might infuriate you at times. She might drive you crazy. She might wait for the opportunity to say “I told you so.” But remember; she will still take that bullet for you. Always. Even at times when you feel like she wouldn’t. Even if she knew it’d be the last thing she did. So working on the relationship is valuable. Forgiving and forgetting is valuable. At times, you may have to be more patient than she is. You may have to be more forgiving. But time is so precious and fleeting that one day you will wake up, and your mother will not be there to fight with you. She will not be there to scold you for your messy room or low grades, and you will miss it.
You may never be friends – and that’s okay. You just have to be mother and daughter.
With love,
Lara.