Last updated on December 8, 2024
If you watched Sex and the City and sat through all the horrible decisions Carrie made in her 30s, you’ve probably wondered why Carrie picked Mr. Big, the man who just couldn’t seem to treat her right no matter how many chances he was given, over the “nice guy” Aidan. Why do we seem to go for the ones who are emotionally unavailable? Why wait for him to pick us, when the “nice guy” already wants us? Here’s the alchemy behind the allure of the “bad boy”.
The very first of my Sex and the City binge marathons was quite infuriating. Carrie Bradshaw always seemed to pick the wrong guy, make the wrong choice and go back to the same man. (She never wore the wrong outfit tho. Kudos, Carrie.) There was only ever one man for her, no matter how many times he screwed up and shut her out: Mr. Big. But why was that? Why did she desperately want to marry Big but throw up when Aidan proposed? Did it have to be Big?
Short answer: yes.
It wasn’t about how nice the other guy was, how much better he treated her. He would never measure up to the rush of being with the man who was bad for her. But why? Self-destruction, maybe? Daddy issues? Well, I could just say it was love and end the article right here, because how can you argue with that, right? Yeah, they were in love and he was “the one”. Sure. Right. Well, I don’t believe that. I think there is something more interesting there.
Big may not be your stereotypical bad boy with tattoos and a drinking problem, but we are referring to a different type of bad boy here. The bad boy is cool, the bad boy is game. The bad boy is older and wiser and honestly should know better. The bad boy makes you feel special, then leaves you stranded. He doesn’t give you a key to his apartment or his heart. He is reserved and never lets you get close enough to lean on him. He keeps you on the edge. And when he kisses you, you feel like the world stops moving. You feel like you’re doing something you shouldn’t be doing; something forbidden. Like Adam and Eve, the bite is inevitable, but we sure love to take our time in Eden.
Is this what girls want then? To be treated badly? Well, no. It is not about being treated badly, but about being special. Being the only one to crack the shell of the bad boy is a thrill that no drug can replicate. Women who are into so-called “bad boys” simply want to feel like they are “the one” for him, to feel special. They do not want him to move to Paris without her (nice move, by the way, Big.) It is all about being closed off to everyone but her.
But if he never opens up to you and you start to feel like you’re stuck in this place where you see no future with him, what do you do? The answer is simple. You LEAVE him. You move on and find another bad boy who will open up eventually. I know I’m writing this so plainly as if it is easy to do, but do not be fooled, it is extremely hard to walk away from something like that. And trust me when I say I speak from experience. There is a reason why I was so captivated by this bad boy discourse: it’s because I had my own version of Big. He was charming, reserved, and emotionally unavailable. He perfectly fits the criteria. Except, he is an element of my past, and that is because I realized a very important thing: there was no future there. He would never be what I needed him to be, and that was that. I went through all five stages of denial and ended up at acceptance. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to.
We might be young, but we do not have forever. Carrie was pushing 40 and still repeating that same cycle with Big, but we need to remember that real life is not a TV show. If you waste your years following a bad boy around like a lost puppy, you will blink and find yourself unmarried and unhappy in your mid-thirties. If he doesn’t make you happy now, he won’t make you happy in five years. It’s time to accept that and let go. He might be mysterious and fun right now, but will this game still be fun when you’ve been playing for a couple years? Will you never yearn for the comfort of being able to lean on someone?
The world is full of men who are willing to do this push-and-pull with you, but also know when to stop and just let you win. If he is not willing to let you (and only you) in, then he is not worth going back to. It’s time to break the cycle. It will be incredibly hard (and especially so if you are deep in love), but you can always start over with a new “bad boy”. Or you might even find yourself an Aidan, and stick with him until the end. No matter what you do, just don’t settle for someone incapable of loving you the way you deserve. The allure of the “bad boy” is temporary. Self-worth is forever.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if he is a bad or a good boy. If the thought of marrying him makes you throw up, do NOT say yes to the proposal. I know you’re reading this Carrie.
With love,
Lara